The question coming after bedtime-prayer wasn’t new, it’d been asked with wonder several times before. “Mommy… why did you pray that?” My oldest son was wondering why I asked God to help me become a better me, to become a better mother for my blessings. I explain once more; Even though I am an adult I do mistakes. I say and do things I don’t want to, I don’t manage to be as good as I want to… “And that you know?” I say to him. Yes, he knows that. We don’t say anything more, nor my youngest that’s been listening.
The person looking back at me from the mirror is a lady I some times don’t like… I don’t wanna be her. Because I see one that doesn’t manage life and it’s challenges like she desires in her heart. I see a lady that fail in words and deeds, that some times think more about her self than God and others. I’m despised over the mistakes I’m capable of making, the words that slips over my lips and some of my actions and reactions. The lady looking back at me, reminds me more about a faulty item (in best case a damaged item) rather than a masterpiece from the Creators heart and hand. And I many times wonder… can you really use me God? When you said all
those things in the Bible, did you really mean me?
When you said that you would never leave us nor forsake us, did you know what wrong I would do? When you said we should do greater things, did you know that I would fail even with simple things? When you said we should bring the message about you and your love into the world, did you know that I would come short in my own house? When you said faith moves mountain, did you know I would struggle with doubt? When you said we should be a reflection of you, did you really know what I would become like? You said that you heal and restore the wounded and broken-hearted one, but did you know I for hundred and some time would be here
on my knees, in tears, at your feet? Did you know all this God? Was it really me you said all those things to? Because I don’t feel worthy… not worthy of your love, your care and provision, your call about serving you, that you work through me… I am just lil’ me that don’t manage to live life as I desire to. An ordinary lady wanting to come closer to your normal with her life, but that so often feel she doesn’t manage… did you really mean me when you said all those things God?
My youngest son calls for third time and I answer a bit irritated; “It’s bedtime, GOOD NIGHT!”. “But mommy, I have to tell you something…” I walk in and I’m taken by surprise from what comes: “Good night, world’s superduperbest mommy!” A hearthug so warm and sweet that it made my tears run as I walk out the door.When the evening silence has arrived God comes with His quiet, loving whisper: “my girl, it is about you, and I know you can’t manage, that’s why I sent Jesus!” Then He tenderly whispers some words from Isa.43: “I have called you by name, you are mine… I am the Lord, your God… you are precious in my eyes… do not fear, I am with you…” My tears run once more, because God really did mean me… as He really did mean you